The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture
Send $34.99 to:
The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
“Stand tall and have it all.” That quote from the works of Italian anthropologist and philosopher Amadeo de Grazia, the discoverer of the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture, still resonates after nearly two centuries. Dr. de Grazia first observed the effects of this rare gem while studying the indigenous people of Lubumbashi. He saw that the entire tribe wore the yellow-gold gemstone and they stood erect, moved with ease, and didn’t have a word in their simple language for “pain”. He immediately purchased the mineral rights to the entire region from the ruler of the Lubumbashi people for $800 and a recipe for ravioli.
Science has revealed that modern men and women, overwhelmed by the stress and difficulties of the industrialized world, have become constricted due to the sheer weight of their own anxiety. Eighty percent of humanity now suffers from acute migraine at least twice a month. The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture has been shown to not only reverse the spinal effects of crushing boredom and dread but, with the addition of the Super Secret Mantra (sold separately for $34.99), individuals who acquire the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture can also add several inches to their height.
We are grateful to the heirs of Professor de Grazia for making the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture available, for a short time, to our devotees. Supplies are limited.
And don’t forget to augment the effects of this consecrated gift with the Super Secret Mantra ($34.99). After all, who doesn’t want to be taller and free from agony?
(Note: If patient becomes incoherent and loses consciousness discontinue and call 911.)
Sorry, no refunds.