It Can't Go On

I was driving home and heard the “press conference” on the radio. I listened, I laughed; I was talking out loud, alone in my car.

“Jesus Christ.”

“Holy shit.”

“He’s nuts.”

“What an unstructured asshole.”

I caught myself and chilled out, focused on the road ahead.

I’ve heard a lot of crazy talk in my life; I’ve been guilty of it myself when I was drunk, coked, angry. I tried to convince people of shit I didn’t believe. It never worked. I was raised to doubt myself and had to work on self-esteem, honesty, and the clear articulation of thoughts. I’m still working but I heard a guy today who doesn’t have the ability, or need, to reflect.

He has never had to use words, so he sounds clumsy and stupid.

If he wants a banana he points to the menu and somebody brings him a banana. If he wants to get laid he grabs someone by the pussy and sometimes he gets what he wants because he’s a wealthy celebrity. If he needs a new tie he sends some schmuck shopping. He’s probably never talked to an auto mechanic in his life.

And here’s what I heard today.

He believes he is really, really smart. Super smart and funny and charming. It’s an unwavering belief. Christ, you can hear it in his tone; condescending, patronizing, cocksure. He will continue to sneer at average people, to laugh and ridicule you and me and anyone he views as weak: poor, old, disabled, sick, uneducated, marginalized.

 He’s convinced that he is vastly intelligent and knows more than his critics, absolutely convinced, not because he’s educated or he reads a lot or has been a close observer of life.

Nope, he believes it because it is his birthright to be smarter than everyone else.

Who, in his small, power hungry, needy, money-worshiping life has ever reproached him?  Everyone laughs at his jokes. He lives in a private world where normal interaction is rare and alien.

But he thinks he’s wildly smart. Uses words. Has ideas. And though he couldn’t articulate it, he may feel that he is Chosen, an ubermensch, godly, a separate and higher species, “The Rich”. Complete delusion. Out of his fucking mind with narcissism. Irrational. Fucker can’t even pretend to care. He doesn’t have to. It can’t go on. It can’t last. It just can’t.

Double Valentine

“Happy Valentine’s Day.” She wasn’t smiling.

I looked up from the computer. “What? Yes, same to you.”

I pointed to the package she had set next to my elbow; a red heartbox tied with a thick cream-colored bow.

“What is this?”

“It’s your Valentine’s present. Open it.”

Shit. I didn’t get her anything. Again. Bella had always been tolerant and forgiving but for the past year or so I felt as though she was placing minefields and hazards in my life. I couldn’t get through a whole week without disappointing her and I was always guilty. Had she found out about Connie? No, impossible. I’d worked that out; never call Connie from home, immediately delete all emails and texts; our assignations were successfully accomplished while Bella was at work or away on business. No, this new failure was simply a result of Bella’s expectations and what she referred to as my pathological self-esteem.

Too bad I couldn’t just reach in my wallet and give her a couple hundred-dollar bills. A few years ago that may have worked.

I pulled the ribbon on the box and the top came away easily. Inside were several rows of chocolates with a different calligraphic ornament on each one. I think these symbols were supposed to communicate what flavors were contained within each piece of candy; orange, coconut, fudge.

I didn’t care.

I didn’t care because I now remembered that I had not bought anything for Connie, either. And if anyone was going to be disappointed about being forgotten on Valentines Day, it was Connie.

She called it “Valentime’s Day.” With an “M”. Jesus.

Bella shifted, waited for my response. “Thanks. Nice. Candy. How sweet. Ha.”

Another stupid holiday and I felt like a fucking moron.

Bella looked at me, her eyes flat, a slight smile.

“Hang on, I have to go down to the car. I have something for you, too. Really. Happy Valentine’s day.” I didn’t try to kiss her.

Excited, big smile, I dashed out the front door and down the stairs to the carport. I made a lot of noise opening and slamming doors, rummaging in the trunk. I swore loudly.

When I came back in the house I was empty-handed and breathing hard. Bella lounged on the sofa with a copy of Vanity Faire.

“Goddamn, you know what? I forgot your present at work. No, don’t look at me like that, I remembered, bought a nice present last night, but I forgot it on my way home.”

Silence.

“Look, I’ll be right back. I’ll go by the office and pick it up and come right back. Hang on. No problems. Happy Valentine’s day.”

Before she could speak I was backing the car down the driveway. Shit.

I knew what I had to do. Find a place that sold flowers, of course, perhaps something else like candy and a big stupid card. Then I’d have to buy two of each and drive like a madman fifteen miles to Connie’s house and drop off her presents, candy, flowers, card, big kiss, a little groping, no, no, I have to get back, love you; turn around and make it home before dinner to present Bella with my token of appreciation and respect.

This was going to kill me.

A New Driver's License

Last week I had to get a Driver’s License because mine expired while I was out of the country. I’d been dicked around at the local Motor Vehicle Department because, they said, I didn’t have the proper documents. A license, a passport, mortgage statements and utility bills weren’t enough. They sent me home and I didn’t know what else to do. I mentioned it to my friend Tim and he said, “Let’s go to Questa. It’s easy up there.” I didn’t believe him but we drove 20 miles north and pulled into the empty parking lot. I thought they were closed. Nope. Ten minutes later, with the same documentation, I had a renewed license with a nice photo. I didn’t even have to take an eye test. I was in shock. Local government that works for the consumer.

During the procedure they ask a series of questions: Is this you? Have you been arrested for DUI? Are you a citizen?

The last question was: Do you want to register to vote or change your political party?

Well, hell yes.

And holy mackerel, I am no longer a Democrat. Just like that, after fifty years, a few keystrokes and I’m an Independent and I feel like I just got sober. A huge weight has been lifted from me. I may have added ten years to my life. No more money from me, DNC, you lying, cheating creeps. No more stupid emails or robo-calls. Seriously, does that shit work? Probably does, on the “We Are The Chosen” wing of the party. Weak.

In advance, I wish none of the following were true because I dislike the current so-called administration and its supporters, apologists and asskissers more than I ever thought possible. They are the embodiment of corruption and immaturity. The clowns in Washington are not alone; the same kinds of people are in power or trying to get in power everywhere. Sometimes they win. And we know why they win and why they will continue to win, don’t we?

Things have changed and the Lib Dem’s timeworn system stopped working about 20 years ago. The Democrats have to get much, much tougher and put their old ways in the ground. Did they not notice that evil fucks like Karl Rove were being successful? Did they care so much about their image as well-mannered, educated, clever financially secure saviors of the future that they wouldn’t learn from their opponents and from their own mistakes? Wow. Better get it together pretty soon or it will be too late. Hope not.

As of November 9, 2016 political thought flipped on its back but many of the Democratic opposition are still trying to work within an archaic system. The following is a list of replacement conduct and new definitions for outdated terms that will need to be adopted if the Dems want to regain some power in government, save face, grow their brand and enter the world of reality.

Manners          =  Elbows out, take up space, talk loud, disregard others.

Logic               =  Emotional reactions based on childish inclinations.

Facts               =  Unnecessary and a waste of everyone’s time. Grow up.

Fairness           =  Set traps, cheat, blame someone else.

Hygiene           =  Plastic surgery, Rogaine, implants

Truth               =  Lie your ass off and your supporters won’t care. Ever.

Patience           =  It’s for the weak. Threats are more effective. Follow through.

Respect           =  Ridicule all challengers without mercy.

Ethics              =  Get what you want regardless of the cost.

Kindness         =  Don’t waste time with it.

Education        =  Critical thinking is treason.

Resistance       =  Indicates enemies who must be crushed.

Compassion    =  Obsolete unless there is monetary recompense.

Legal                =  Rules for the weak and pathetic.

Government    =  Potential for huge rewards based on services rendered.

There you go; a new system of conduct for the modern activist, a gift from me to the remaining Democrats.

Go ahead, continue what you’re doing and see what happens. Peaceful protests and hats and crafty signs, Facebook outrage, online petitions, prayer, high dudgeon, tears, chants, Instagram, Twitter, Linked-in, Gofundme, begin organizing for 2018 or 2020 or 2024 or whatever. Not for a second will your aggressive and treacherous antagonists listen or care. Get dirty. Give up the ancient image of well-groomed dignity and be willing to take some heat, lose friends, sacrifice the grandchildren. If not? More of the same.

I can say this because I now have a clearer perspective.

I’m an Independent.