Friday, March 27, 2015

A Brand New Phone






There’s a lot of loose money floating around these days. 
A kid laughed at my phone last week.
We were hanging out, I got a call, checked the ID and ignored it. He laughed at my (2 year old) phone.
Google glass ($1,500), Apple watch (starting at $550), IPad, Netflix, and Amazon for everything else? More? Yes. Phones. Always phones.
As of a month ago, I (valued customer) have an opportunity (!) via Verizon (fuck them) to upgrade (new term for selling your Soul) my oldschool clamshell folding, calls and voicemail-only telephone. Yep, for NO MONEY I can sign on for another 24 months, 2 years, end-of-the-world, and get my choice of great looking, impossible, app-rich, Droid, Nexus, Apple, Galaxy, cool-kid, bigger, badder, newer, personalizeable telephones with a shitload of connectivity, a million ringtones, eternal data packages, acres of storage and porn-in-my-pocket. The security sucks but I can call anyone, watch anything, listen to all the music ever recorded and I can make stupid self-centered videos while I keep track of my over-the-top workouts, arrange meetings, make pie-charts, convert metrics, find a Starbucks. I’m not a Luddite. I like my MacBook and I enjoy streaming TV and movies. And I already do all that other stuff; videos and music and pie charts.
And how much will all this latest bullshit cost me even with a free phone? Merely an additional (yes!) $1,200 a year for two (2) upgrades (not counting tax and indecipherable billing hoaxes), because I am married and we both should (fairness) have the same accessibility. Right? $1,200 is enough for round trip airfare to almost anywhere. And I have a 20-Euro Italian phone and a 40-Euro French phone (it’s got a radio) that I top off when I find myself in either of those technologically civilized countries and twenty euros-worth of time will last me almost a month because I don’t need a lot of the options. If I can’t find a special must-try popular restaurant I eat somewhere else. I ask people for directions and read train schedules and take pictures with a cheap-assed Canon camera that is (believe it) really easy to use, small as hell and no one has ever, ever eyed it with criminal intent. No one wants the outdated stuff I have so I get to keep it. $1,200 a year for maps, unlimited calling and texts, hotel reservations, movie times, museum floor plans, news, shopping and porn (rarely) (honest).
Family, friends, children, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends can be in constant contact, easy to reach, never away, never alone, available and responsive and isn’t that a clear definition of codependence?
I’m always here for you. Always. I love you so much I never want you to be out of my sight, out of my reach, out of my control. If you call and I don’t pick up or call you back or text within an allotted number of minutes, that means I don’t respect you. I’m probably having an affair and that’s a justification for your anger, sadness, jealousy, rage, stalking, vandalism.
As it is, I only get about one call a day and, if I must, I can text a simple “Yes” or “No” or “I don’t know” answer to most questions, no charge, with my crummy 2-year-old device. I don’t feel left out for not caring about the greatest innovation since sex and literacy.
 Seriously, though, I hope people are digging all the cool shit that’s available. Buy it, upgrade, download and activate. Text me and wait for a response.
And wait.
I might be in Paris.