Life Coaching - Part 3 (Chapter 2)

I don’t see  as well at night as I used to. Bummer. My (many) old injuries are lighting up several times a week. I take pills for dumb stuff like pain, blood pressure, cholesterol, thyroid. I feel pretty good (seriously), I'm still in the game, but every once in a while some aging, raging busybody who is facing another hard-earned birthday shouts out, “But sixty is the new forty, sixty is the new forty. And seventy is the new fifty and…”. Please. Shut up.

It may be true that sixty is the new forty unless:

We’ve ever smoked cigarettes  (guilty) or

Used illegal drugs for a significant period of our history (guilty)

If we currently now or ever have drink, drank, drunk to excess (guilty)

Have Hep C or STDs from stupid life choices when we were twenty, (...)

If we

Breathe the shitty air in most cities (yep) and

Drink chem-laced water (probably) and

Have had lots and lots of x-rays (dentist) or

Eat foods loaded with preservatives and additives (I guess), if we

Are overweight (goddamnit) and depressed sometimes (like the rest of us) or

Are angry (at the government, your ex, other drivers) or misguidedly

Trust that god, prayer and good works will keep anyone healthy/alive (nope), if

We read the news or

Watch more than two hours of TV every day, (sometimes) and

Are worried about not getting enough (or too much) sleep, (yeah, I admit)

Or we are anxious about global warming, cancer and trouble in the Mideast (sure).

And mainly, if I think that because I'm Me and I'm still amazing (or ever have been)  even though I'm getting older, that life is full of possibilities and I can do whatever I want and I can live like I did when I was forty and old people matter and I'm relevant and as vital as ever and I'm  an “active senior” (or have ever used the words “active” or “senior” in reference to myself), or if I think I'm  still desirable to people under forty (male or female) or if I have cataracts, vertigo, joint pain, headaches, thinning hair?

Then sixty is not the new forty.

It’s the new eighty.

Sorry, tough shit, but most of us (old) only have another ten, twenty, slim-chance thirty, max-crazy forty years. Only .0173% of us will live to be 100. Ha. So, nope, sixty is not the new fucking forty. You are _____ years of age. Are you currently alive? (I’ll wait while you check). Isn’t that enough? I for one am going to face reality and have fun and stop bitching and moaning and fantasizing about age, life, health and longevity.

And take it easy driving for Chrissakes. You’re pissing me off.