Clowns? Why?

Who in the actual real fuck is afraid of clowns? How did this happen, this national panic about clowns? Shakespeare used them in his comedies, they are an integral part of rodeo and the Bible; in fact all religious texts are crammed with clowns and their stupid behavior. They are generally objects of ridicule. It’s a job. In some places clowning is a respected element of classic theater. Sure, a lot of kids cry when surprised by a big scary dude with a painted face and a red nose, but in my opinion that’s good preparation for the first time you discover how screwed up your family is.

I had a creepy drunk uncle who was hot for my girlfriend and he used to sneak into our room when we were staying with them and sit on the bed and stare at her.

An off-duty cop got pissed off at something I said and pulled his gun on me.

A relation, by marriage thank Christ, chopped up a baby grand piano, with an axe, in his living room, because his daughter wouldn’t practice.

I’d been to the circus and I think it prepared me for this kind of social interaction. Way more terrifying and threatening than clowns. Shit, clowns aren’t even funny. Silly, dopey and distracting, but not funny.

“Oh, look at the clown. Look! Isn’t he funny?”

No. Can I have another hot dog?

Want to see some funny clowns? Try Bill Irwin, Giulietta Masina, Charlie Chaplin.

(Note: John Wayne Gacy was not a clown. Don’t even.)

I read in the paper today that some people in Albuquerque where dressed like clowns and they were arrested. By the police. Locked up. Wow.

A kid in a backwards Midwestern state posted a picture of a clown on his Facebook page, added a little threatening dialogue and had his own personal visit from law enforcement.

Halloween is right around the corner and there are warnings that partygoers should avoid dressing like clowns. Sexy eight-year-olds and fake gun toting toddlers in full camo, sure, terrific, so cute, but we will not tolerate baggy pants, a red nose and giant shoes.

Steven Hawking isn’t afraid of clowns.

Keith Richards isn’t afraid of clowns.

Rachel Maddow isn’t afraid of clowns.

Hillary Clinton has said she isn’t afraid of clowns, but she may change her mind.

Trump…never mind.

Which brings up another point.

There are plenty of real things to be afraid of. Watch the fucking debates, follow a political candidate, check out the way the stock market is manipulated, study class and income inequality, read about the Kardashians, see how fast bookstores are closing, be a woman in the Mideast or a young black man in America, go to an evangelical church service. Talk to a Vietnam vet, or a woman who has been sexually assaulted. That’s some scary shit, right there. The real scary.

If you are over the age of seven and are still afraid of clowns you’re either mentally impaired, have no critical skills, or you’ve never been in a truly frightening situation.

Get out more. Take a walk around the block. At night

We just got over the Zombie scare, now it's clowns.
Don’t be a moron.