The Halloween Conspiracy

It’s that time of year again. The Trifecta of Stupidity. 

Halloween

Daylight Savings

Election Day

Three big piles.

Halloween, which used to be a kid’s holiday of funny costumes and candy, has been stolen by narcissistic adults who have sexualized and monetized it.

All kinds of stuff is for sale: cardboard jack-o-lanterns, giant bags of Snickers, Halloween specials at Wal-Mart. Sleazy bars, Jean’s, Pier 23, The Gold Clown, where I used to be able to dodge the costumed kids and get wasted, are now sponsoring bullshit costume contests where a lot of lonely guys come dressed as gangsters and pimps, and marginally intelligent women get their hooker on. Nice. Don’t scare the children.

Yesterday, I heard someone in the Dentist’s office, as she was leaving, her lip numb and her mouth stuffed with cotton, say to the receptionist, “Have a happy Halloween.”

Is this a thing? I can’t get far enough away from holidays, and now they are legitimizing Halloween? Soon, I guess, they’ll be closing down the government for Halloween. Sorry, you can’t pay your ticket or meet with your public defender or file a building permit. It’s Halloween! Will we have to give presents? Fuck that.

Daylight Savings.

Now, you’ve been gorging on candy and alcohol and dreaming about sexy costumes and parties and watching horror films and celebrating the Day of the Dead and All Souls Day and All Saints Day and filling your head with every possible kind of reality-distorting fantasy that the next thing they do is change the lighting. Yep; you wake up confused, distracted and unstable. Everyone is late, they are jet-lagged and yawning and the sun isn’t coming up at the right time. You feel as if you’re in the wrong place every day. It starts to get dark around 3:00 p.m. and you’re hungry all the time. A destabilized population, hungover and tired.

A perfect time for the final Big Lie.

The perfect time to slip in... Election Day. God Bless America crashing from sugar and booze, washing off its makeup, tries to wipe the crusty buildup from its eyes and, hurry up, it's time to vote.  America has been shown Who’s The Boss. Our government. The venal, degenerate, unprincipled men and women we vote for. We have experienced their authority, their supremacy; with their mandated power, they can change the time the sunrises for Christ’s sake; they have fucked up our circadian rhythms. All-powerful liars, grabbing with both hands and failing over and over, cycle after cycle. What more can be said? Better people have commented on this waste of time. We are completely irrelevant, overlooked and disregarded until Election Day rolls around. Now, nightly come the robo-calls from local dipshits asking for the vote because they are going to (fill in the blank). Nah, no they’re not. They are going to be slurping at the trough and stuffing their pockets for as long as we let them. And don’t scold me. Do what you want, feel good about yourself, but don’t you dare berate me for not…being you, I suppose. I know, I know. All that crap about civic duty, constitution, can’t-complain-if-you-don’t-vote, our rights, patriotism, America fuck yeah. So go, do it, stand in line, chat with your fellow citizens, shit on the liberals or the conservatives. Do it. You’ll think you're better than me. And you probably are.

I can’t even get into the perfect timing of the World Series. Go Giants.