Life Coaching - Part 1

    

     Are you disappointed in the direction your life has taken? Most people are. Most people should be. Perhaps you need…. A Life Coach. The term “Life Coach” was added to Webster’s dictionary in 2012 and is defined as an adviser who helps people make decisions, set and reach goals or deal with problems. Umm, OK.

     I know people who say they’re “certified” Life Coaches. Who the fuck certified them? The Life Coach Institute, I guess. The University of Bullshit. I mean what school offers courses in advice-giving and decision-making. Dealing with problems? Really?

     Here’s some advice. A bit of coaching from me. Be Careful. Life Coaches are a dime a dozen, coming outta the woodwork these days and many of the ones I know can’t maintain healthy relationships, are marginally employed, complain a lot but at the same time claim to be spiritual, godly, tuned into the universe, part of the cosmic ooze. Pretty much better and more enlightened than you. Because, I guess, they’ve had training and are certified. They use the word “heart” a lot. Heart’s desire, getting in touch with your heart, heart consciousness, whatever the hell that is. I used to have cardiac arrhythmia when I smoked. Is that heart consciousness?

     A friend who is a Life Coach recently posted an update on her website that I found curious. “You can make your dreams come true.” And, of course, She can help. For a fee. Make your dreams come true. How?

     Like, if you want it enough, it will happen. I hear that a lot, too. If you want something badly enough, you can get it. You can have success and prosperity.

     Wow. Do you really even want your dreams to come true? Do you remember your dreams?

     No, thank you.

     In the last dream I had, I was drunk as hell, it was Christmas and I was beating the shit out of my uncle Louie. It was a pretty goddamned wonderful dream. I woke up clear-headed and felt terrific. Fulfilled. Successful. Then I remembered that my uncle Louie, who was a total asshole, violent, psychotic and ignorant, had been dead for twenty years so there was no way that my dream could become a reality. Within a few minutes of awakening I went from feeling terrific, pounding the hell out of my uncle Louie, to being disappointed and depressed because it would never become true.

     I guess I’m a Life Coach. Really. I’m full of advice and I can help you make a decision. Apparently, that’s all the requirement to become certified. Here’s some advice for free, right now. If you are with a bunch of people in a car and you can’t figure out whether to go Right or Left and the passengers are arguing and bitching…. Go right. If you’re wrong, for Chrissakes turn around and go the other way. See, helpful advice. Life Coaching. You’re welcome.