Headline says, “Sony Hack Likely Costliest in US History.” Gosh. That’s simply awful. Right? First off, Fuck Sony. I don’t give one crap about them at all. A whole bunch of brainless racist and sexist emails got distributed to the press? Nice. It’s about time. A dopey buddy film is pulled from distribution? I can’t get worked up because 90 percent of all movies bite the big one anyway. Sony’s bloated executive’s salaries are posted for all to see? http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/sonys-top-exec-salaries-allegedly-753170. Bunch of overpaid hacks with no respect for the public. Do. Not. Care.
About ten times a year some dipshit hacks into a database at Target, Home Depot, or The Post Office and I have to jump through hoops to get a new credit card. When I ask, “Why is this happening again,” I get typical bullshit doublespeak and absolutely no help from the help desk. Chelsea or Sandip tell me to “Have a good day” and they hang up quickly. I’m just a schmuck with a credit card and the companies apparently have so much money that they can replace any pilfered funds, blow me off and send me a shiny new card that will be hacked by next summer. I used my debit card at the airport in Frankfurt, Germany in June after a flight was cancelled (thanks Lufthansa) and I had to spend a night in a shitty German business hotel. I needed 24 hours-worth of Euros and when I got home the next day (thanks Lufthansa) some neo-Nazi had looted $1,400 from my savings. I asked the clown at the Bank of America Customer Service desk how this happened. Well, it’s complicated and they don’t really care because I'm only one dude and, shit, it was just $1,400 so relax and we’ll send you a new card. I’m not the only person that this happens to. I asked around.
But, oh my God, Sony, a big multinational corporation gets invaded and compromised and ripped off and they’ve been embarrassed and had to cancel Seth Rogen’s new movie and now, NOW, it’s a big deal.
And who’s responsible for this cyber-attack? North fucking Korea. Really. Kim Jong-un and his insane haircut. I have to laugh. A dicked up little dumpster of a country that can barely feed their citizens has created the costliest invasion of privacy in history. America is bamboozled. Reports indicate that Kim Jong-un has hijacked 1,800 computer science majors from the universities and is housing them in luxury with great food, cool clothing and lots of porn while they happily hack away at The Greatest Country in the World. This great country that cannot even keep my Target credit card information out of the hands of assholes.
America is boned and embarrassed and humiliated. Pundits and experts say that this may be the early stage of an international cyber war that has the potential of destroying the world as we know it. Meanwhile Sandip and Chelsea tell me that they will replace my dough and send me a new card next week, so don’t worry. Jesus kill me.
I have an idea. Hire some of our own computer wizards, pay them a truckload of bucks and put them to work. This is America for chrissake, birthplace of Steve Jobs and Neil deGrasse Tyson and Rick Perry and Oprah Winfrey, so let us not stand around with our knuckles in our noses. The Department of Homeland Security has a yearly budget of around 40 billion dollars. Billion. Hey guys, spend some of that cheddar on twenty-first century security and maybe stop World War III. Rip a few bucks from TSA’s budget; tell that dimbulb who is ogling teenage girls on the security scan that he’s no longer needed because he’s a worthless perv and we have bigger fish to fry. Like, America’s finances, military, and infrastructure are in heavy jeopardy so we’re going to shift some funding to where it will do some good. Wow. I sound crazy. But North Korea has owned the Sony-weasel and that’s a big deal. Fuck Sony. And Bank of America.
And fuck Sandip.