The Secret Answers to Life

I was having a pretty good morning until I started eavesdropping on the conversation at the table next to me at the coffee shop. There were several earnest men and women whispering about…The Secret… What the (bleep) do We Know…. Zeitgeist, those fakey science concept videos that were floating around a few years ago where men and women with good skin and white teeth who used to sell car wax and household cleaning products on infomercials were offering a method or video or book or board game that would give you enlightenment and success and money. Who the fuck are these people who offer a Higher state of being or transformation, God consciousness, energy, enlightenment, infinite healing, psychic, Soul, Spirit, Goddess, heart, light, Love, divine peace, serenity, Bigfoot, UFOs?

There are jillions of healers, ministers, priests, shamans, psychics, fortunetellers, magicians, guides, gurus and astrologers, the list goes on, so many people who are trying to convince me that they have a closer connection to the impossible and the ridiculous. Bullshit. They aren’t a more elevated species. There’s not like Humans (I) and Humans (II). These liars offer made up, inaccurate answers to insecure, sad, undereducated dimwits and there are no measurable results and no evidence that they do any good whatsoever. 

On the other hand, I’ve spent 30 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars of my own money to discover the Secret Answers to Life.

I can make you happy. Guaranteed. I will pass on ancient wisdom that I have discovered in my life’s journey to make you glad to be alive and brimming with self-esteem. Are you depressed? That’s a fucking shame. Are you sad about a divorce, or are you mourning the death of a loved one? I am so sorry. You have my deepest sympathies. Let’s cheer up together. I will show you a surefire way to move beyond sadness and depression. Do you feel as though you’re not reaching your full potential as an Artist or a Writer? Well, that’s no good, is it? No problem. I promise that I can make you a better artist, a more successful writer.  I know this is real, because I invented it. The Secret Answers to Life. All it takes is money. Act now to get your Secret Answers. One hundred dollars will get you one secret answer. A thousand bucks buys 12. And remember, Secret Answers make wonderful gifts.

I’ll give you a Secret Answer right now, for free: Trust your instincts. Unless you’re drunk. Then don’t trust your instincts. Want another? Sure, no problem. If someone tells you they have a way for you to gain insight into the future, achieve success in a relationship, become financially independent, they are full of crap and will rip you off and disappoint you.

I’ve worked out a sliding scale so that everyone, no matter how limited their resources, can achieve universal enlightenment and personal satisfaction. You need the Secret Answer. From me. Reasonably priced.

You’re welcome.