Butter for Health: A Doctor's Advice

Our guest editor, Dr. Rado Gjalpe, is an internationally acclaimed scientist and highly respected expert on the subjects of Art, Music, Literature, Diet, and Sex. Today, Dr. Gjalpe responds to inquiries from an American traveler, Joseph, who is living in Paris and has some concerns about his increasing use of butter.

Doctor Gjalpe, how much Butter should I eat?

There is really no limit. I recommend eating butter three times a day. Studies have been inconclusive about how much butter the human body really needs. Let’s just assume that we are not getting enough and take every opportunity to enjoy this wonderful food.

Isn’t butter supposed to be bad for you?

My God, this old fairy tale keeps coming up every few years. No, emphatically, butter is not “bad” for you. Butter is excellent for the circulation, the immune system and hair growth, and is one of the healthiest foods every produced. I wish the fundamentalists would do their homework and study some science before making these “faith-based”, uneducated claims.

I’ve heard that butter can raise cholesterol levels. True?

If it did, wouldn’t cows have high cholesterol? Cows are second only to dolphins as the healthiest mammals in the animal kingdom.

Dr. Gjalpe, what is your favorite way to eat butter?

Naked. If I can’t be naked while eating my butter, if, for instance, I am in a public place in broad daylight and there are children present, then I prefer it slathered on a large piece of crusty bread.

Does the human body build up a tolerance for butter as we age?

Yes, of course. Our bodies require more of everything as we grow older and we must increase the amount we use in order to maintain optimum satisfaction and health. It’s similar to the actions of certain prescription drugs. There is nothing wrong with keeping up a healthy level of both.

Is it a myth that butter increases the sex drive?

It's not a myth. Native Americans and the tribal peoples of Tibet considered butter an aphrodisiac for centuries. In 1947, researchers from Johns Hopkins University, in cooperation with scientists at the University of Basel in Switzerland, discovered that butter did, in fact, increase sexual vitality in both men and women to a significant and measurable degree. Further studies have proven, beyond a doubt, that people who eat large quantities of butter produce a certain pheromone-like secretion that makes them much more attractive to potential sex partners. They generally live 5 to 15 years longer than the average and remain sexually active, vigorously so, to a ripe old age. Many die in their late 90s during the act of coitus.

Thank you, Doctor Gjalpe. You’ve certainly put my mind to rest.

You are very welcome, Joseph, and thank you for asking these important questions. I find it sad that more people are not interested in the healthy consumption of quality butter. You are to be commended. Please, before accepting the advice of religious zealots and so-called “health” experts, always consult with a doctor such as myself. Reject religion and embrace science and enjoy your butter.