The Real Secret

I just figured out the secret to ending all conflict and reducing stress. This one’s for free.

Maintain a neutral demeanor and agree with everyone. It’s that easy.

A guy confronted me about a week ago and took exception with something I’d said. It happens. Big, tall guy, kind of demented. No threat, but he loomed over me, barking and moaning and told me why I was wrong, called me names and did everything but foam at the mouth and wet himself.

I stared into his bulging eyes and said, “OK,” and then stayed silent.

I think it pissed him off. Haha.

When someone is intent on convincing you that Chemtrails cause athlete’s foot, just say, “OK.”

You don’t have to tell them you think they have the brains of a toilet brush. Like they are going to change their minds. Nope. Don’t make me laugh. That would require critical thinking and math.

When one of the many floating experts tells me, “Trump is a liar,” or “Clinton is a criminal”, “vaccines cause autism”, “Elvis is alive”, or “Aliens made 9/11 happen,” I nod my head and say, “Hmm. OK,” and walk away. By my tone of voice, my attitude and posture, I can communicate spite and boredom, but I fake-agree by simply saying, “OK.”

They can push it, but all they’re getting from me is, “OK.”

I kind of miss a good fight, but so far this is working and as I said, it can really piss off the lames.

They’ll know that they didn’t convince me of anything. I still believe that they’re silly little fuckers. I’ll have a decent day, take a walk, make lunch, maybe have a nap. Later, when I hear of my antagonist's heart attack, suicide, drunken car crash, I can nod my head, smile and say to myself, “OK.”

So frigging easy. And free.

A Message to My Angels

To all my generous Angels:

I hope none of you take this personally, but, wow, there are really a ton of crowdfunding sites: gofundme, kickstarter, indiegogo. Seems like everyone is hooked up and (I guess) they are perfectly legit. Of course, there are assholes. (There’s a site called gofraudme.com that digs down and finds the ripoffs, hustles and scams.)  Everything decent eventually becomes corrupted, but I won’t judge. It’s too easy. How did people get money from others before the Internet came along? Work? Sure, yes, we work, but suppose I need dough for a medical emergency? What if I can’t work? Like now? Really, I can’t work. Out of the question.

Every time someone dies friends and family set up a funding page to cover “expenses”. Burial expenses? That stuff costs, sure, but consider cremation; it’s cheap and efficient.

Literally thousands of families seek decent housing. (Check it out.) They have bad luck (who hasn’t?) and need a safe and healthy place for their six kids to grow up. And the kids need iPads. Please give. My suggestion would be to cut down on the breeding, but, again, trying not to judge. So far so good.

Plenty of young men and women have sure-fire ideas and solicit capital to jumpstart a company, provide a service, build an app. Great; good luck, but I can’t donate to your modeling career or help to promote your crappy rap CD.

Many of these petitions are somewhat successful, no matter how ridiculous. A certain kind of person asks and certain others feel inclined to give. Ask for $10,000 for stuff we all do (pay bills, get out from under all that debt, take a much-needed vacation, buy Christmas presents) and chances are that you’ll get a few grand, at least. It’s a start.

My Angels: I’m in need of a vintage 1969 Mercedes-Benz 300SEL 6.3 Liter Sedan. My current vehicle is not dependable, needs servicing, and I require reliable transportation in the probable event that I may someday have to travel for complicated medical treatments. The stress of not having this particular Mercedes-Benz has been generating inflammation that is deteriorating my overall health. The cumin and lime cleanses are no longer effective and I’ve had bad experiences with high colonics (!). Anxiety is increasing and I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in months. I fear the worst.

If you can find it in your heart to donate to my upcoming gofundme page, I will offer prayers, love, light, hugs, and good thoughts forever. If you can’t give, I will try to understand. It will be difficult to avoid judging you, but I’ll try. You are all my sweet Angels. God Bless, Namaste, Abundance, Divine Love.

Lower Standards -- Part 8

I’ve gotten to the point where, if another driver uses turn signals (which are on every frigging vehicle, right there on the steering column, within easy reach, flick, right, left, no brain, automatic and helpful and required by law) I think, “Well, that must be a decent human being. Probably a nice person. Caring, generous, compassionate, self sufficient, clear headed and able to see how their actions affect others.” Then I think, “Fuck me, I’m acting as if someone who does the bare minimum, who engages in basic human decency, who makes the least effort, who is simply awake and borderline responsive, that person is now a superstar, a phenomenon, a mastermind.”

My goddamn standards have dropped so low that I’m grateful and overcome with emotion when somebody isn’t overtly hostile and offers the slightest hint of awareness. Holy shit. Doomed.

Mom's Guide to Health and Fitness

I was at the doctor’s office today. I was pretty sure I had Zika but it was only a cough, sore throat. I got the usual: Antibiotics that probably won’t do anything and some prescription cough suppressant that will definitely do “something”. Plus it helps with a cough.

While sitting in that petri dish they call a waiting room, I thought about my mother. Agnes De Patta. She died three years ago this week. She was a lifelong hardcore liberal Democrat, took no shit and had a dark side that I appreciated. She was 96.

Each day I try to get in a workout. Most days I’m OK, but if I skip a few then I’m off my schedule and feel like a slacker, fat, old, soon to die. I eat well but I binge once a week. Or twice. So, guilt and self-loathing, overweight, blood sugar, cholesterol and all the attendant morbid effects of debauchery.

I know debauchery. Well.

I try to take care of myself, I don’t smoke and haven’t had a drink in over 20 years, stopped the weed and the pills and the coke and staying out late and sneaking down dark alleys.

But there is something missing.

Looking back, I try to remember what my mom did to stay fit and healthy for over 90 years.

Weight: She was always about 40 pounds overweight. Five feet four and 180 lbs. give or take a few inches and a few pounds.

Smoking: Started smoking at 16 and stopped at 76. She had a heart attack a few months after she quit and thought that was ironic. Still, 60 years of smoking and she lived another 20.

Alcohol: Not a heavy drinker.  I think I only saw her rough a couple of times. She liked a drink around 5 p.m., sometimes a couple. No big.

Diet: Anything that didn’t bite back. She liked butter and loved sugary desserts.

Exercise: You’re kidding, right? She hated walking from her room to the front door when I visited her. Hated it and said so. She walked from her room to her car; that was the longest trip on foot. She drove until she was 95 and didn’t kill anyone that we know of.

She was smart and articulate until the end. Didn’t mind a good argument. Enjoyed provoking the old conservatives at the residence.

 I’m may adopt her program. It worked for 96 years and I consider that successful.

Respect.

The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture

The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture

 Send $34.99 to:

The Vagrant Cantos

PO Box 1159

Taos, NM

87571

“Stand tall and have it all.” That quote from the works of Italian anthropologist and philosopher Amadeo de Grazia, the discoverer of the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture, still resonates after nearly two centuries. Dr. de Grazia first observed the effects of this rare gem while studying the indigenous people of Lubumbashi. He saw that the entire tribe wore the yellow-gold gemstone and they stood erect, moved with ease, and didn’t have a word in their simple language for “pain”. He immediately purchased the mineral rights to the entire region from the ruler of the Lubumbashi people for $800 and a recipe for ravioli.

 Science has revealed that modern men and women, overwhelmed by the stress and difficulties of the industrialized world, have become constricted due to the sheer weight of their own anxiety. Eighty percent of humanity now suffers from acute migraine at least twice a month. The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture has been shown to not only reverse the spinal effects of crushing boredom and dread but, with the addition of the Super Secret Mantra (sold separately for $34.99), individuals who acquire the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture can also add several inches to their height.

We are grateful to the heirs of Professor de Grazia for making the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture available, for a short time, to our devotees. Supplies are limited.

And don’t forget to augment the effects of this consecrated gift with the Super Secret Mantra ($34.99). After all, who doesn’t want to be taller and free from agony?

(Note: If patient becomes incoherent and loses consciousness discontinue and call 911.)

Sorry, no refunds.

Namaste.

The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility

The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility

Available for $34.99 from:

The Vagrant Cantos

PO Box 1159

Taos, NM

87571

“Anxiety is a polluted well from which most people drink, but the clear liquor of Tranquility is our natural beverage.” The words of the Maladonian poet Butalla have offered solace to the suffering for centuries. His acolytes, the pygmy Butasi, are now mining the rare Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility to aid those who are stagnant in their search for harmony.

The diminutive Butasi recognize that worldwide serenity has decreased over the past several decades. But now our followers can rejoice because The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility offers an indispensable boost to upper levels of advanced composure. Envision the delight of scorning anxious individuals who have not yet discovered this hallowed blessing.

For an additional $34.99 an auxiliary Top Secret Mantra is also offered to our faithful members. The Top Secret Mantra guarantees not only a faster path to tranquility, but also the added benefit of hair growth.

The Pink Aperture is fashioned from Rhodonite, a rare gem embedded with sanctified elements extracted by the tiny Butasi deep in the Ural Mountains. The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility has been approved for use by 12-Step Groups worldwide and is considered the precursor to true sobriety and abstinence. Enhancement with the Top Secret Mantra promises lifelong peace and sobriety. (Warning: If painful discharge occurs, discontinue use immediately.)

Sorry, No Refunds.

Namaste.

The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction

The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction
Send $34.99 to:
The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571

We have all experienced those embarrassing moments when in the midst of a conversation with a friend or colleague we suddenly think, “I have no idea what I’m talking about.” Now, with the Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction, banish self-doubt forever. These handcrafted talismans enable the possessor to dominate and vanquish all who dare to disagree. Opponents recoil at the sheer certainty imbued to the owner of The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction.

The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction is particularly valuable during periods of national discourse, such as elections and religious holidays, where belief is more important than evidence.

For an additional $34.99 we will also include a Top Secret Mantra, which will aid the owner of The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction to increase his or her voice to an almost unbearable volume, thereby guaranteeing supremacy over antagonists.

(Caution: may cause dizziness and temporary loss of libido).

Sorry, no refunds.

Namaste.