Mom's Guide to Health and Fitness

I was at the doctor’s office today. I was pretty sure I had Zika but it was only a cough, sore throat. I got the usual: Antibiotics that probably won’t do anything and some prescription cough suppressant that will definitely do “something”. Plus it helps with a cough.

While sitting in that petri dish they call a waiting room, I thought about my mother. Agnes De Patta. She died three years ago this week. She was a lifelong hardcore liberal Democrat, took no shit and had a dark side that I appreciated. She was 96.

Each day I try to get in a workout. Most days I’m OK, but if I skip a few then I’m off my schedule and feel like a slacker, fat, old, soon to die. I eat well but I binge once a week. Or twice. So, guilt and self-loathing, overweight, blood sugar, cholesterol and all the attendant morbid effects of debauchery.

I know debauchery. Well.

I try to take care of myself, I don’t smoke and haven’t had a drink in over 20 years, stopped the weed and the pills and the coke and staying out late and sneaking down dark alleys.

But there is something missing.

Looking back, I try to remember what my mom did to stay fit and healthy for over 90 years.

Weight: She was always about 40 pounds overweight. Five feet four and 180 lbs. give or take a few inches and a few pounds.

Smoking: Started smoking at 16 and stopped at 76. She had a heart attack a few months after she quit and thought that was ironic. Still, 60 years of smoking and she lived another 20.

Alcohol: Not a heavy drinker.  I think I only saw her rough a couple of times. She liked a drink around 5 p.m., sometimes a couple. No big.

Diet: Anything that didn’t bite back. She liked butter and loved sugary desserts.

Exercise: You’re kidding, right? She hated walking from her room to the front door when I visited her. Hated it and said so. She walked from her room to her car; that was the longest trip on foot. She drove until she was 95 and didn’t kill anyone that we know of.

She was smart and articulate until the end. Didn’t mind a good argument. Enjoyed provoking the old conservatives at the residence.

 I’m may adopt her program. It worked for 96 years and I consider that successful.

Respect.

The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture

The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture

 Send $34.99 to:

The Vagrant Cantos

PO Box 1159

Taos, NM

87571

“Stand tall and have it all.” That quote from the works of Italian anthropologist and philosopher Amadeo de Grazia, the discoverer of the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture, still resonates after nearly two centuries. Dr. de Grazia first observed the effects of this rare gem while studying the indigenous people of Lubumbashi. He saw that the entire tribe wore the yellow-gold gemstone and they stood erect, moved with ease, and didn’t have a word in their simple language for “pain”. He immediately purchased the mineral rights to the entire region from the ruler of the Lubumbashi people for $800 and a recipe for ravioli.

 Science has revealed that modern men and women, overwhelmed by the stress and difficulties of the industrialized world, have become constricted due to the sheer weight of their own anxiety. Eighty percent of humanity now suffers from acute migraine at least twice a month. The Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture has been shown to not only reverse the spinal effects of crushing boredom and dread but, with the addition of the Super Secret Mantra (sold separately for $34.99), individuals who acquire the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture can also add several inches to their height.

We are grateful to the heirs of Professor de Grazia for making the Citrine Doorway to Excellent Posture available, for a short time, to our devotees. Supplies are limited.

And don’t forget to augment the effects of this consecrated gift with the Super Secret Mantra ($34.99). After all, who doesn’t want to be taller and free from agony?

(Note: If patient becomes incoherent and loses consciousness discontinue and call 911.)

Sorry, no refunds.

Namaste.

The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility

The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility

Available for $34.99 from:

The Vagrant Cantos

PO Box 1159

Taos, NM

87571

“Anxiety is a polluted well from which most people drink, but the clear liquor of Tranquility is our natural beverage.” The words of the Maladonian poet Butalla have offered solace to the suffering for centuries. His acolytes, the pygmy Butasi, are now mining the rare Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility to aid those who are stagnant in their search for harmony.

The diminutive Butasi recognize that worldwide serenity has decreased over the past several decades. But now our followers can rejoice because The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility offers an indispensable boost to upper levels of advanced composure. Envision the delight of scorning anxious individuals who have not yet discovered this hallowed blessing.

For an additional $34.99 an auxiliary Top Secret Mantra is also offered to our faithful members. The Top Secret Mantra guarantees not only a faster path to tranquility, but also the added benefit of hair growth.

The Pink Aperture is fashioned from Rhodonite, a rare gem embedded with sanctified elements extracted by the tiny Butasi deep in the Ural Mountains. The Pink Aperture of Supplemental Tranquility has been approved for use by 12-Step Groups worldwide and is considered the precursor to true sobriety and abstinence. Enhancement with the Top Secret Mantra promises lifelong peace and sobriety. (Warning: If painful discharge occurs, discontinue use immediately.)

Sorry, No Refunds.

Namaste.

The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction

The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction
Send $34.99 to:
The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571

We have all experienced those embarrassing moments when in the midst of a conversation with a friend or colleague we suddenly think, “I have no idea what I’m talking about.” Now, with the Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction, banish self-doubt forever. These handcrafted talismans enable the possessor to dominate and vanquish all who dare to disagree. Opponents recoil at the sheer certainty imbued to the owner of The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction.

The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction is particularly valuable during periods of national discourse, such as elections and religious holidays, where belief is more important than evidence.

For an additional $34.99 we will also include a Top Secret Mantra, which will aid the owner of The Sapphire Passage of Enduring Conviction to increase his or her voice to an almost unbearable volume, thereby guaranteeing supremacy over antagonists.

(Caution: may cause dizziness and temporary loss of libido).

Sorry, no refunds.

Namaste.

The Tangerine Amber Access of Psychic Fluctuation

The Tangerine Amber Access of Psychic Fluctuation
Send $34.99 to:
The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571

Have you wondered why the Sages of Salamandor are considered the most spiritual People on Earth? Have you been fortunate enough to feel the emanation of spiritual secretions flowing from them as they pass by while making their annual pilgrimage to the Holy Corona? Elevated men and women have been mining and shaping the Tangerine Amber Access of Psychic Fluctuation for centuries and finally, for the first time, the Sages of Salamandor have made the sacred Access available to our followers.

Holders of the Tangerine Amber Access of Psychic Fluctuation will be able to mystically and divinely dominate those who do not possess the sanctified talisman. Also, with the addition of the Top Secret Mantra of Access, the Sages of Salamandor guarantee quick relief of lower back pain.

The Top Secret Mantra is sold separately for $34.99.

Sorry, No Refunds.
Namaste

The Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss

The Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss

Send $34.99 to:
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571

Originally discovered by the Ahutalatay People of the Middle Kingdom in 300 BC, the Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss embraces the ancient secret to rejuvenation and perfect repose.

Every living person over the age of 50 has expressed their powerlessness to achieve a deep, beneficial night of transformational sleep. Fret no more, faithful insomniacs. The Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss guarantees a full, peaceful eight hours of slumber to each and every devotee.

For an additional $34.99 you will receive the Blessed Top Secret Mantra that guarantees immediate activation of The Sacred Ivory Portal to Soporific Bliss. Achieve unconsciousness by next week. What have you to lose except your lassitude?

Sorry, no refunds. Namaste.

The Jade Gate to Eternal Youth

The Jade Gate to Eternal Youth

$34.99 plus shipping and handling:

The Vagrant Cantos
PO Box 1159
Taos, NM
87571

For an additional $34.99 we will send the Top Secret Meditation that accelerates the holy properties of the Sacred Jade Gate to Eternal Youth.

Anti-aging will commence within one month upon receipt of the Sacred Jade Gate to Eternal Youth.

Daily chanting of the Top Secret Meditation will speed the effects.
A youthful appearance, higher energy and increased libido will begin to manifest within 24 hours.

Sorry, no refunds. Namaste.