America's New Daddy

America, as represented by The Statue of Liberty and Columbia, is maternal. The presidency has, thus far, always been paternal (see: Mt. Rushmore and all the goddamn men who have ever occupied the White House).

Now, every four or eight years mom gets bored, tired of dad’s bullshit and she files for divorce. She dumps the old man and begins shopping around for someone different. We, the children, get to help her choose our new daddy. Mom gives us a list of possibilities and lets us vote on whom we want to drive us to soccer practice, teach us to fish, pay the mortgage and hire the help. Once in a while a woman’s name appears on the list, but so far the USA has not been willing to consider the idea of a mommy at the head of the table. Sad, but true.

Barack Obama was a cool dad, wasn’t he? He was African American and representative, funny, smart, hip, could hang, and he treated us with respect and some of us were super stoked to finally have a pop who liked decent music and acted like he cared about our welfare.

Still, mom wanted a fresh husband. Mom sometimes makes mistakes.

A few of our stepbrothers and sisters hated Barack. They were furious because he was black, he was too young, too smart, too good looking, treated mom as an equal, and looked better than we do in a swimming suit. They made fun of him and tried to trick him and a few of the assholes actually called for him to be put in jail or executed. I hate a lot of my stepbrothers and sisters. Stupid bullies.

The Stupid Bullies wanted a dad who was white and barked orders and made people behave. Mommy agreed and picked a really different guy than Barack. The opposite of Barack. We don’t know why the fuck mommy ever decided that this asshole was going to be our new daddy, he was kind of a clown, but he was also super rich and we figured, “Fuck it. Maybe he’ll buy us a new bike or take us to Disneyland.”

Right?

Well, nope, he’s turned out to be somewhat abusive, not smart at all, and it looks like mom is having second thoughts. We saw him naked and it was disgusting. She knows she’s stuck with him.

We miss Barack. He was fun, could tell a joke, a decent guy, and we miss him a lot. Some of us wonder if mom is losing it. We really want our old daddy back but we know that we have to live with the new guy, the big flabby shithead who doesn’t get us at all.

And I don’t think he’s going to take us to Disneyland.