The Friendship Games

 

 I suppose I'm feeling a bit judgmental today. It happens.

But having a lot of friends on social media is not a real thing. Most of them are not friends, as in, “Let’s have lunch”, “Lend me $100”, or “Can I hide in your garage?”

Nah, they’re just people who are in need of acknowledgement and attention. Like the rest of us. Being on my fairly limited “friends” list is no big deal. Not much of a compliment. I browse the list of individuals from time to time and weed out those who have moved away and are out of touch. Also, I get rid of dead people. They do me no good whatsoever. Take up space and distract me from interaction with the living.

Sometimes I wonder, come Tuesday, November 8, Election Day in America, if I will have any friends left at all. That’s cool, I can manage, but the list is shrinking and there are still almost seven months to go until the Big Catastrophe.

I’m sorting it out again. Saying “so long” to contacts in the following order:

Racists. No more bullshit from insanely stupid racist mafaks (some may be supporters of D. Trump). If I see anything from anyone that is blatantly racist, that person is gone, button pushed, toilet flushed. I don’t care if they are family, co-workers, or someone I’ve met once and made the mistake of accepting a friend request. They can bite me. No time.

Predictably Angry: Mostly Dems, or whatevers, who are all locked and loaded with their one-note outrage. Scoldies and pundits who constantly accuse anyone who disagrees with them of sexism, stupidity, naiveté. If I deviate from Clinton about anything, it’s barely hit the cyberwaves when the responses roll in: “Sexist”…” “You men”…”You could never understand”. People who don’t support Sanders are immediately accused of not being true liberals or properly progressive. Wow. I've become gun-shy by these unfounded denunciations.

Fuck off. Delete, goodbye and good luck with the wrath. Don’t have a cow.

Sexists: Men and women who are hateful and/or condescending to the opposite or additional sex. Men who hate women, women who hate men. See ya. (I’m trying not to use the word “bitch” in any context. It’s offensive to people I like. I will look at each entry on a case-by-case basis, but my first reaction is to drop the hammer. Try using “prick” instead, OK?)

Fundamentalists: Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus. If God is the answer, you are the problem. Ciao, bambini.

Selfie dispensers: More than one profile update a week? Several pictures of your fabulous face and body every day? Posing as a badass or a sexy bunny, duck lips, sunglasses, fedoras? Without irony? Have fun and don’t bother me. Hasta.

Absolutes: Use of 100% words. Everyone, no one, never, always, etc. That’s impossible and you should know better. Get out of the car and walk home.

Still under consideration:

Food pictures. Everyone eats; we know what it looks like, save the photos of your salad.

Fart jokes.

Improper use of the following: Their, There, They’re…Then and Than…A part and Apart…Apostrophes…Quotation Marks. Yep, I’m a grammar freak. I admit it.

The Ice Bucket (or any other) Challenge.

Poor bastards who post dumbass easily debunked crap like “Bill Gates will give you one million dollars if” or “I hereby notify Facebook that all content on my page” or “OMG, stop everything and watch this video it will change your life.” No, you are wasting your life and my time. Get a brain.

I’m really interested in the coming Presidential election in November. May be some big changes. Or not. I might be living in a Socialist Democracy, a Fascist Dictatorship, a Plutocracy, or our on-going Oligarchy of The Entitled. Whichever ideology emerges victorious, I pretty sure that I’ll have fewer friends. What the hell, we all die alone anyway.