Who doesn’t like getting
something for nothing? I once was watching a high stakes pool game and a $100
dollar bill had dropped to the floor. I stood on it for over an hour, never moving,
pretending to be engrossed in the game. People had to walk around me. I made
sure I was the last one to leave the room and when I picked up the bill and put
it in my pocket I felt the thrill of victory.
My best friend downloads
popular TV shows to his computer. He uses a torrent client program and has been
doing this for years, enjoying, for free, premium shows like The Walking Dead
and Homeland. He doesn’t pay for cable, won’t go to the video store or buy DVD’s. He likes getting things for free. As his friend Rol says, “There’s a
little bit of the bandit in all of us.”
He writes:
Big horror first thing
this morning. I opened up my email at 6 a.m. and there was a message from my
Internet Service Provider saying that they had received a letter from Viacom,
The Media Giant, indicating that I’d been illegally downloading episodes of
South Park and there was a possible $250,000 fine and imprisonment for said
illegal downloading.
I was trembling with fear
and excitement. The fear was because of a possible life destroying fine and
imprisonment. I’ve faced those threats before, especially when I was drinking
and behaving badly, thoughtlessly, psychopathically, but, jeezus, I’m not ready
to lose everything I have because of a few silly South Park episodes. That
would be lame and embarrassing. So, serious fear.
The excitement came from
the conviction that I now had to go into super compound hyper-drive and perjure
myself about my involvement in order to prove my innocence. There was the possibility of
winning, of beating the system. There was adrenalin waiting to be pumped.
Getting caught is bad.
Getting away with it is good. That’s been one of my principal beliefs for
decades. You’d think sobriety and age and experience and a recently discovered
vague sense of morality would eliminate my desire to break the law, but the
craving remains. The dread of being caught
is offset by the thrill of escape.
From a Psychological
Survey:
Question: Would you break
the law if you knew you wouldn’t get caught?
Answer: Oh hell yes.
Absolutely. Murder, theft, arson, assault, no problem, I’d do it all without a
second thought. Anyone would. Wouldn’t they?
I can make all of the
justifications for any crime, including illegal downloading. We have to fight
The Man, the entertainment industry and their shitty programming, their lowest
common denominator approach, their absurd profits, the bad writing, their
horrible fashions, haircuts and plastic surgery. I believe that the airwaves
should be free, brothers and sisters, and we the people should not be made to
feel like criminals for doing something that really doesn’t hurt anyone. Blah
blah blah. South Park, though. Wow. Yeah, I think it is brilliant and deserves
a Nobel Prize, but it’s still just an American TV show that is full of bathroom
humor and profanity. That’s what I laugh at the most: little kids swearing,
getting into disgusting situations, farting. Sorry, I guess there’s a
9-year-old boy pulling levers in my command center who still finds that stuff
funny. I don’t have to defend my taste. It’s broad and ranges from the compound
absurdity of Thomas Pynchon to bathroom humor that includes filth and swearing
and unsubtle, obvious jokes. I don’t care. I will never pass up the opportunity
for a cheap laugh and South Park has offered that for almost 20 years.
So, I steal the episodes.
I could say that it’s a compliment to the creators, but the creators have long
ago sold their rights to Viacom, The Media Giant. I honor the innovators and
despise the owners. But the owners, according to their latest emailed
intimidation, have legal rights. I can’t play stupid. I was consciously
breaking the law.
One of my biggest fears is
to be overwhelmed by a giant corporation, to be victimized by a company of
immoral, greedy capitalists who have the resources to crush me, to destroy my
life, to take everything, to torture, kill, maim, incarcerate. I’m an American
and I know I’m not alone. This is a national shared dread.
I’ve recently had
terrifying encounters with Verizon and Bank of America.
There were overcharges, mistakes, incompetence and outright deception. I was
crumbling in the path of a corporate juggernaut, but with a calm demeanor, clear
thinking, and a sizable dose of deceit and drama, I prevailed. (Keep cool.
Use the silence.)
Of course, I had a part in
each of those events; I’d made my own mistakes, lied, tried to get more than I
was due, but, honestly, I was only trying to survive. Right? Survival?
Instinctual Defense Mechanisms? Saving My Own Life? In the end the balances
were zeroed out, overcharges were eliminated, penalties lifted, threats were
recalled and I triumphed. It felt great. The relief and potency lasted for days
after each incident. I was high. I was grateful. I was safe. I was dominant. I
might be immortal.
So why would I go right
back into the burning building and aggravate Viacom, TMG, one of the biggest,
most powerful and lawyered-up conglomerates on earth?
The thrill. My friend, Dr.
A, calls it “Novelty Seeking Behavior”.
I thought that was a little demeaning at first, but as I consider it, I
think she’s right. I’m not doing anything momentous or profitable; robbing a
bank, killing a politician, or selling drugs. I’m seeking novelty, cheap kicks.
And free shit.
The excitement of talking
my way out of something is hugely stimulating. I wish there was a way to feel
the buzz of getting away with murder without actually committing murder. But,
alas.
How did I deal with the
Viacom situation? The way I always do. Quick, aggressive, efficient.
I phoned
the owner of my local Internet agency, the guy who had forwarded the emailed
threat to me at 5 a.m. this morning with a request to call him as soon as
possible to avoid litigation.
“ Hello, ISP? This is
Joe’s best friend. You asked me to call about the email from Viacom?”
“Yeah, thanks, Joe’s best
friend. Sorry, but this happens about 10 times a month and I have to follow up.
It looks like your computer was traced to some illegal downloading of 14 South
Park episodes. I have to tell you that this is pretty serious. So far, I don’t
think you are in heavy trouble, but it has to stop immediately.” He was polite,
friendly and a little defensive. Perfect.
“Yeah, I found out what
the trouble was. Man, I am so sorry that this happened. I’ve been away, taking
care of my poor mother, being a good son, struggling, out of town, in another
state, and my niece and her kid have been housesitting for me. It must be him.
The kid. He’s 15 and a little slow. I had a long talk with him this morning and, trust me, he
will never do anything like this again. I put the fear of God in him. He’s
pretty scared. He threw up while I was yelling at him. I made him wipe it up
with his shirt. Yeah, I don’t think he’ll be giving us any more trouble.”
“Well, OK, then. Sorry you
had to go through this. Whenever I call someone about one of these
notifications, ninety percent of the time it’s a teenager.”
You can imagine how I felt
about that.
No comments:
Post a Comment