There’s a lot of loose money floating around these
days.
A kid laughed at my phone last week.
We were hanging out, I got a call, checked the ID and
ignored it. He laughed at my (2 year old) phone.
Google glass ($1,500), Apple watch (starting at $550), IPad,
Netflix, and Amazon for everything else? More? Yes. Phones. Always phones.
As of a month ago, I (valued customer) have an opportunity
(!) via Verizon (fuck them) to upgrade (new term for selling your Soul) my
oldschool clamshell folding, calls and voicemail-only telephone. Yep, for NO
MONEY I can sign on for another 24 months, 2 years, end-of-the-world, and get
my choice of great looking, impossible, app-rich, Droid, Nexus, Apple, Galaxy,
cool-kid, bigger, badder, newer, personalizeable telephones with a shitload of
connectivity, a million ringtones, eternal data packages, acres of storage and
porn-in-my-pocket. The security sucks but I can call anyone, watch anything,
listen to all the music ever recorded and I can make stupid self-centered
videos while I keep track of my over-the-top workouts, arrange meetings, make
pie-charts, convert metrics, find a Starbucks. I’m not a Luddite. I like my
MacBook and I enjoy streaming TV and movies. And I already do all that
other stuff; videos and music and pie charts.
And how much will all this latest bullshit cost me even with
a free phone? Merely an additional (yes!) $1,200 a year for two (2) upgrades
(not counting tax and indecipherable billing hoaxes), because I am married and
we both should (fairness) have the same accessibility. Right? $1,200 is enough
for round trip airfare to almost anywhere. And I have a 20-Euro Italian phone
and a 40-Euro French phone (it’s got a radio) that I top off when I find myself
in either of those technologically civilized countries and twenty euros-worth
of time will last me almost a month because I don’t need a lot of the options.
If I can’t find a special must-try popular restaurant I eat somewhere else. I
ask people for directions and read train schedules and take pictures with a
cheap-assed Canon camera that is (believe it) really easy to use, small as hell
and no one has ever, ever eyed it with criminal intent. No one wants the outdated
stuff I have so I get to keep it. $1,200 a year for maps, unlimited calling and
texts, hotel reservations, movie times, museum floor plans, news, shopping and
porn (rarely) (honest).
Family, friends, children, husbands, wives, boyfriends,
girlfriends can be in constant contact, easy to reach, never away, never alone,
available and responsive and isn’t that a clear definition of codependence?
I’m always here for you. Always. I love you so much I never
want you to be out of my sight, out of my reach, out of my control. If you call
and I don’t pick up or call you back or text within an allotted number of
minutes, that means I don’t respect you. I’m probably having an affair and
that’s a justification for your anger, sadness, jealousy, rage, stalking,
vandalism.
As it is, I only get about one call a day and, if I must, I
can text a simple “Yes” or “No” or “I don’t know” answer to most questions, no
charge, with my crummy 2-year-old device. I don’t feel left out for not caring
about the greatest innovation since sex and literacy.
Seriously, though, I
hope people are digging all the cool shit that’s available. Buy it, upgrade,
download and activate. Text me and wait for a response.
And wait.
I might be in Paris.
