Do you still believe in God? Really? Well good for you; must be
nice and comforting. Am I right?
I was raised Catholic, went to catholic schools, mass, the whole thing. The
Catholic Church has taken a lot of crap in the past, and I’m not sure they
deserve it. I was disciplined, disappointed and discouraged by the time I was
13 so I think my religious training was completely successful. The church
helped make me into an angry, alcoholic cynic who is often crippled by
self-doubt. Way to go, Religion. I can’t remember my own fucking phone
number, but I remember prayers I learned as a toddler. Wow. Thanks for
permanently occupying that part of my brain, the part I probably could have
used to get laid more often but, Nope, it’s full of prayers.
I read the news every day. I probably shouldn’t, because after a half
hour of Google, Christian Science Monitor and the San Francisco Chronicle I
lean back and say, out loud, ”Man, I hate everything and everybody.” I become depressed
and have scary thoughts.
So, I’ve written a short prayer to help me get through those tough
times of rage, anxiety and pessimism that occur whenever I attempt to understand
the world. Here’s my prayer. You may join me if you wish.
“Dear God, you little bastard, I pray that there actually is an afterlife
and that you will be there in all your glory, because when I see you I am going
to kick your cowardly, selfish, narcissistic ass. God, you sorry excuse for a
deity, what made you think that racism, sexism, cruelty, bullying, tooth decay
and venereal disease were things we really needed here on earth? You monster.
You’d better hide behind wall of angels if you see me coming through the pearly
gates because I am going to mess you up. If You are the all seeing, all
knowing, loving, eternal, infinite and omnipotent dictator, then war, disease,
starvation, torture, child abuse, Real Estate salesmen, wealthy entitled
assholes, the Department of Homeland Security and the DMV are your creations
and responsibility. You are doomed. Make your peace with your…self, I guess,
because I’m coming for you and I’m not alone. That’s a promise, you evil,
malicious weasel. Amen”.
Feel better? Good. Me too.
